Would You Rather?

Would You Rather?

Would you rather live a tortured life of passion or a boring life of neutrality?

Today, I feel trapped by the very existence of American life. I wake-up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Perhaps I'll see a friend after work or take a walk around town, but more often than not, it's the same ol'... work, home, work, home. This is NOT the life I had envisioned.

Where's the spark, the passion, the thrill of adventure and discovery? Where's "me"?

"Me" is still back in South Africa trying to figure out how I went from the girl who wanted to spend the rest of her life passionately fighting injustice in Africa to the woman sitting at a desk, answering phones. "Me" is back in Santa Barbara, wondering how two people so crazy in love and passionate about one another could end up apart and not even speaking. "Me" is researching the illegal activities of an employer and then spending the next two years fighting for the monetary rights of over 50 employees. "Me" is also tired, beat-up, and just hoping for some normalcy.

Well, normalcy is here and let me tell you, it sucks!

For some, having the security of a job, place to live and friends is enough. They feel content, happy.

But what about LIFE? What about adventure? What about feeling just a bit scared of what's around the corner but turning that corner anyway? I want "me" back and am ready and wanting the ups and downs that come with it.

I was recently talking about this with a friend in regards to relationships, and she asked, "You would rather have constant ups and downs than steady security?"

I feel like Tita from the book Like Water for Chocolate. At a young age she fell in love with Pedro, but was forbidden to love because tradition dictated she was not to marry until her mother died. Instead, she spent years watching her sister have the honor of being with the one man she loved. For so long she was tortured with her passion for Pedro. Years later, a good, honest, steady man asked to be with her. She loved this new man, but not with an ounce of passion that she had for Pedro. She had a choice: go with the kind man who would love her and be good to her, or wait for her true love and continue to let that passion burn.

I would rather have exhilarating highs and painful lows over steady dullness. I would rather have tortured passion!

I recognize that life doesn't have to be so extreme. I understand that balance and security don't take away from a life of passion. Each person has their own destiny, their own idea of what living a passionate life looks like. I know it comes with pain, heartache and frustration, but it also comes with deep joy, excitement and laughter.

Jail Bird

Last Wednesday I attended a lecture with a friend entitled "The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness" at the Hammer museum in Los Angeles. Michelle Alexander, author of "The New Jim Crow..." book, spent just under an hour opening my eyes to a whole new section of society, that quite honestly, I hadn't given much thought to before; convicted felons. Because this issue is so new to me, I was not able to fully capture the depth of relevance as much as I think I should have. With every statistic she presented, multiple questions swirled around my head. Some she instinctively knew others were considering and so addressed them while the others have continued to bounce around my brain.

Did you know that in CA a convicted felon cannot vote until he or she has completed their time in prison AND all of their parole time. In some states, a felony conviction equals the removal of the right to vote for life.

Did you know a convicted felon cannot apply for food stamps EVER in his or her life? This was enacted under the Clinton presidency.

Did you know a convicted felon, once released, cannot apply for public housing for at least 5 years (time varies per state)?

Did you know "prosecutors also tend to reduce the charges against whites convicted of felonies more often than against blacks convicted of felonies. A comprehensive examination of 700,000 criminal cases by the San Jose Mercury News, Mauer noted, included that of 71,000 adults with no prior records. In this group, one-third of whites had their felony charges reduced to misdemeanors 'while only one quarter of blacks and Hispanics received this disposition.'" ("African-Americans Have Seven Times Greater Chance of Imprisonment", Sherwood Ross, March 3, 2010)

Did you know an employer and landlord can use a felony conviction as a legal form of discrimination?

Did you know a convicted felon, in many states, can never run for public office or hold any government position?

If you already knew any of the above facts, then you are light years ahead of me. There are so many more statistics and opinions around this issue, especially since African Americans make up the majority of the prison population and a majority of those convicted of a felony.

Perhaps the above stats don't mean much to you as you think "of course they shouldn't have rights, they are CRIMINALS", but should their punishment extend beyond their time in state or federal prison?

I have no answers, just more questions. Even last night as I lay in bed, I considered the lack of well-funded education in inner-city communities, lack of access to healthy and affordable foods, lack of green space for parks and rec, lack of affordable and livable housing, lack of reliable information in the case of a criminal act, lack of affordable health care; just a lack! Some say this is blatant racism, but I'm wondering if it's more just blatant classism that, unfortunately, has a direct effect on African American and Latino communities. Regardless, why is such an "ism" allowed to flourish today?

I have no answers...

I don't have much to write today, so I'll leave you with this book to think about. This little bird could have stayed in his nest, waiting for his mother to come to him. Instead, he went out, explored, asked and experienced his new life before finding his "home".

Enjoy...

Fledging

A bald eagle chick practices flapping its wings in the nest atop a tall pine. Next it tries beating its wings into the wind and taking short hops above the nest. One day, a big gust of wind catches the bird's open wings and whisks it away.

That, my friends, is what is referred to in bird world as "fledging". I may not be a bird, but I sure am hopping around, beating my wings and hoping for that gust of wind to take me to wondrous far off places. Places with new faces, new smells, new trees, new foods. Yet, I feel stuck in the nest. Stuck beating my wings in frustration as I watch others fly around in awe of all that lay before them. Granted, I have a pretty nest. A welcoming nest for friends to fly in and say hi, encouraging me in my wing attempts. A nest that, really, isn't that bad, except, of course, that it's a NEST!

Wow, much of that probably didn't make much sense to anyone who isn't currently inside my head. See, I have a job that pays the bills, I love the women I work with, have caring and fun friends around, a cute new apartment, and live in one of the most vibrant cities in the US. From the outside, I really shouldn't complain. But is that all there is to life? Perhaps for some it's enough, but for me, not even close.

That is why I've decided to restart this blog. I have a deep desire to be part of people's lives and to give them a platform for sharing their stories. To do so, I need to write, and write well. I need to get out of my head, out of the idea of perfection, and just write. So here it is. Imperfection and all. I have no idea when or where from the gust of wind will come, but I know I won't be able to catch it unless I'm hopping around and beating my wings.

I hope you'll fly by my nest, share your stories, and perhaps perch a time or two on my nest to hear mine.

-amanda